My Mom

My mom passed away from ovarian cancer almost 7 years ago. She was 53 years old. I really miss her. As my daughter gets older the holidays seem to get tougher. This year I cried as I decorated our Christmas tree. I cried as I wrapped gifts. Pretty much any opportunity I was crying. Lots of tears. Doesn't really make for a fun holiday season. I don't like being so sad but in a way it keeps me connected to her. Missing her so much I can't forget her.

She was very unique. Her sense of style was her own. From her hair to her clothes. I remember when I was in high school being so embarrassed that my mom would wear miniskirts. She wore leggings when leggings weren't cool and loved to wear high heels. She would cut her own hair and used to let my brother color it for her.

Growing up I made things difficult for her. I'm not a selfless person. I was never satisfied with what she did for me. But she loved me anyways. Even when I refused to get the ground beef out of the freezer to thaw so she could make dinner. Even when I forgot her birthday and complained about having to share a car with her. She knew all my faults and still loved me.

She was a great wife. I never heard her say anything negative about my dad except once. She said he was selfish. Of course she was in the hospital getting chemo so it wasn't ordinary circumstances. And she was right.

She loved to sing. She loved being involved at church. Things that I have trouble with now. When we go to any church I cry. When I sing I cry. So I rarely sing. Even to my baby. Lots of emotion in singing. It's hard to make a joyful noise when you don't feel especially joyful.

She had a tender spot for my brother. He could do nothing wrong and she protected him from as many consequences as she could. She didn't do tough love even though that may have been the best thing for him. She wasn't a strict disciplinarian. She had a lot of trust that we would make good choices.

She knew I could always do better. She was right. What I settled for was never what I was fully capable of. Especially with school. I don't remember her being afraid to try things. From taking dance lessons to being involved in the local levels of politics. She lived free of fear. I think I've always been afraid. Afraid to fail. Afraid to not be good enough.

She loved chili dogs and Frito pie. One week we had Frito pie 4 nights in a row. Maybe she was testing us to see when we would decide to help fix dinner. I couldn't eat Frito pie for a long time after that.

She became my best friend. I'm thankful that I can say that but it makes losing her more painful. Even after 7 years. I love you Mom. I wish you could hold Sidney and that we could all be together. When she first picked your picture up on my desk she called you "Angel." I don't know how she knew that but she was right.